On Grief

Grief is something Americans are generally uncomfortable talking about. No one knows what to say at funerals. After the first few days following the burial, people just stop checking up on those who lost a loved one. I think that's because it's hard for us to watch someone suffering pain that we cannot fix.

Grief comes in different forms and for different reasons. I have always been considered "the sentimental one" in the family. Recently I figured out that it's not that I'm sentimental in the traditional sense. (Ok. I AM sentimental in the traditional sense, too.) It's more that I am grieving for things yet to be lost. That probably sounds crazy. Maybe so, but I've been this way as long as I can recall.

I remember being little and holding my dog, Heidi, while I cried. She wasn't sick. She was fine. I just knew that "someday" she would die and I cried about it before it even happened. That's my first memory of what I'm going to call pre-grief.

Parenting is a LONG string of pre-grieving opportunities. Every new thing a child does marks the end of a phase of their childhood. As happy as I am that I don't have to change diapers anymore, it is unbearably sad that my kids will never be that small again. My son started pre-school yesterday. A stepping stone to new possibilities and a little step away from little boyhood.
My daughter is 10 and still likes to hold my hand as we walk around places. No matter how hot it is that day, I always let her because there will come a day that she won't want to anymore.

This pre-grief thing is a hard way to live. Still, I think it makes me very appreciative of what I have. I try to squeeze every ounce of special-ness out of each moment I live.

What about real grief? When I've passed through one of those moments I had dreaded and mourned ahead of time, it's like looking into a box filled with familiar but difficult memories. I've in essence practiced for this moment. When a wave of true "now" grief passes over me, I peek into that box and live with the feelings as long as I can stand it, then close the lid. Each time I have to pull out that "box" my feelings are a little different. I recently told a friend about this after the loss of her daughter. The loss never goes away. However, the way you view the event, and yourself, definitely changes. There have been times when I felt like the weakest person alive. Later, sometimes much later, I look back and I can see that even during those helpless moments, I had an inner strength I didn't know about at the time.

Grief is unavoidable. It's part of the human experience. Grief is a sign held up to express what we value and how important it is to us. Even if we grieve in a very private way, the fact that we do at all is a sign that marks a moment in our journey through life.

On Responsibility...

Well, it's the last day of summer before I go back to school. I always get a little sad this time of year. Today, to cheer myself up, I wanted to take the family to the pool, but it was barely 70 degrees at 1:00. I'm not a fan of being cold. To me, 70 degrees is bordering on long-sleeve weather, yet here I was getting everyone excited to go for a dip. We went. It was fun. Cold, but fun. HOWEVER, as we entered the sand play-area, I noticed a woman in a bikini...older than me...who should have been responsible enough NOT to wear one. She had a nice figure. Don't get me wrong. However, as she leaned down to get more sand for her son, um...things released themselves from their rightful places, if you know what I mean. Either she was reeeeeally comfortable with her body or had no idea what was happening. Well, I was there with my children and husband, none of whom have any need to see her wares. What did I do? Was I tempted to inform her of her exposure? Of course. Did I actually go tell her? No. How in the world do you find the right words for that. Think about it for a minute! I did tell my DH to look the other way, and why. We didn't play in the sand long.

Our fun at the pool didn't end there. We did get wet (and cold.) I also sprung for treats at the concession stand. As we sat down to enjoy our snacks, we heard a group of boys in about 3rd grade chatting away and one of them said, "holy cr*p!" Both my DH and I yelled in unison, "Hey! Watch the language!" They shut up pretty fast. Mere minutes later, two of the boys were STANDING on the table! This time I yelled at them to get down, that people put their food on that table and don't want their gross foot germs on their food. I asked where their parents were. "I dunno," was the reply. "Who's in charge of you here?" "Our teacher." "Where is she?" "I dunno." Let's refer back to the title. Where was the grown up responsible for these children? Did I follow the boys to their "teacher?" You bet I did! She was a middle-aged woman sitting in her comfy lounge chair far, far away from the boys. When I told her what had happened, she asked who the boys were. I saw one of the good boys right at her feet. He's the one I followed. I told her that I didn't know, but I bet HE did! That boy squealed like a stuck pig! The culprits were segregated and dealt with. My daughter decided I deserved a "high five" for how I handled things. I like for her to see me stand up for what is right. That way, when it's her turn, she'll do it and not think twice.

Making ripples

Like a pebble thrown into a pond, every choice we make causes ripples of change to reach where we cannot imagine. This is a concept I discuss with my students at the start or each school year. (If you think about it, even the kind of cereal you buy changes things a tiny bit, if you "follow the money" out from the grocery store.) We talk about how some choices bring about unfavorable outcomes that ripple out as well, so we need to make our choices carefully. I believe in this concept so deeply that I put "RIPPLES" on my license plate. Yes, strangers stop me at gas stations to ask me about it. I'm always happy to give them the main idea. When my students see me driving around town, they explain my license plate to their parents. The ripples continue.

Do tiny changes add up? Sure! Cleaning your house for 5 minutes a day makes it 5 minutes cleaner than if you hadn't cleaned at all, right? Those 5 minutes add up. Sometimes, all you need is that 5 minute start and you end up doing more than you expected. If you have children, they watch what you do. They learn. The ripples continue.

What kind of ripples have brought me to where I am? Watching my family go to church every weekend of my childhood...teachers continually reaching out to me so I wouldn't quit...and...and...

What about you? What kind of ripples are you making today?

It begins...

Me? A blogger? What a silly thought! Yet I have been told that my writing style makes people laugh. Makes people think. That appeals to the teacher in me. Who am I? I'm a wife, mother, elementary music teacher, singer, knitter, spinner and amateur philosopher. Warning. I tell the truth. Truth-tellers aren't always popular. I am also a conservative Christian and do not apologize for it. I have many friends of different political and religious affiliations and we get along swimmingly. However, if you will be offended by my religious beliefs, political views or my take on life in general, I wish you good luck in finding a blog that will suit you better. Rather than posting hurtful comments, I hope you will use your energy to pursue your truth.